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I hate sleeping. Over my lifetime I have come to grow as an insomniac who begs for sleep to come at the right times, but it only seems to show up at daybreak and I turn into a bat and whatnot.
I've grown out of it.

I hate this. I'm constantly sleeping. I sleep for like 15 hours straight and then go to work only to be exhausted. Or I sleep in class until like 5pm, drink a Coke, and go home and get ready for bed.

It's 2am and every night I go to bed with the hopes that I'll wake back up at 6am to do a whole bunch of nonsense like workout and shower and whatnot. It's like I actually want to be a happy, productive, organized person.

But how I so badly do.

Go to bed
There's no time
There's no time
Go to sleep
No lullabies
No time
Go to bed
Don't cry
There's no time

There's no time.

Monday, January 14th, 2013, 1:54 AM

Happy New Year! Yeah! It's been 2013 since like, January 1st. Woah. That's a whole 14 days of 2013.

I vowed to myself that, since my favorite number is 13, this year woul be my year.
How sweet.

I've been spending it working, worrying about my health, and staying up until 3am.

Have you ever been to the website Homestarrunner.com? Well go and watch Sin Bad. Bam Margera talks the same way that cartoon character does. 

Okay, back to being cynical and dark.

2nd semester of school starts tomorrow and I've been lying to not only my school but my mom as well. I have a scholarship for a lot of money if I get a ridiculous gpa (3.85 I think). There is no wiggle room. Well, I don't have that gpa anymore. Damn. And after 1 semester.

I'm sorry. But last semester SUCKS.

College was supposed to be a fresh start with new friends and experiences but.. you know.. I'd rather not. 

At least class doesn't start until 1pm tomorrow. Great.  
I used to have so much hope.

As I read back on this, I see myself slowly being split into two. I have diseases of the brain and of the heart. My blood is black.

I'm sick.

One day I feel like a beauty queen and the next I feel like trash. Trash! TRASH!
You're standing in an empty pool.

Did you know that "When people die (they die) they take a piece of us (they die) with them?"

What day is it? Whatever. I wish it was                                                                      ~Thursday.
Good thing there is a new year in two days. Maybe I can start all over. No. I'd rather it just be all the same. I hate change.

Don't ever go to college. 

I remember going to the library a lot as a child and getting lost in books. Then, I'd go outside and try to get lost in my imagination but  I could never stay lost. I always wanted my parents to drop me off in a field all day until the night descended, and then I could grow and kill like I was always meant to. 

It's odd how the other day, my parents cleaned out my basement and my entire childhood was thrown away. All of my memories have been confined inside of material objects. Nothing I remember has come from pure nature or pure emotion. It has all been bought, sold, donated or trashed. (Trash!)

I used to have so much hope.

This is all that I know and all that I have learned. Take my observations for granted because no one else will.
If I don't die tonight, pray that I won't stop believing in death. 

Fun Fact #1:
Did you know that if a newly dead person was believed to potentially be a vampire a long time ago, they'd be buried face down so if they tried to dig themself out, they'd dig themself to hell.  


Rum and Coke

Fuck I only have 20 more days until I start university.
That's like my favorite word in the entire english language.

I don't use it as much as I would like. Or maybe I do.
You could say I'm a lot happier now. But I'm 18 now.

I found cigarettes and booze. Rum and cokes are my specialty. I could drink 'em all night.
And day.

Oh yessss--Charlie Day.
Bad influence? Who cares so are all my friends.

I haven't really changed much. Everything is still black.


Rum and Coke recipe:

1 part Passionfruit Malibu Rum
1 part Coke
1 part ice (it's really nice with a lot of fizz caused by the ice)
and a quarter of a lime squeezed and left in the drink.

What's wrong with being an alcoholic? I got nothing else going for me.
Pft. I could be the next Edgar Allen Poe.

Entry Posting

I just posted that mirrory poem down there. Pft I know, a two-n-one night, but I thought I should say something:

Ain't it?
4 years ago. I was 14. I began this then and now, 18, when my voice seems so full and so loud, it comes out of me in puffs of angry smoke, I do nothing.
What I mean is that I apologize to whomever for not continuing.
Maybe I'll try harder.
Maybe not.

(Sylvia Plath is my prior post's inspiration by the way. Actually a comment from someone on one of her poems is the inspiration. It sucks, I already know that so don't say anything. :|)

Many changes. Occasions, partings, and additons.
I have a new band.
I'm graduating soon.
My boyfriend is in San Antonio.
and I still have the same attitude.

I also decided that sleep is for immature yuppies. Tonight I still have to do :
-analysis on one of Plath's poems
-French notes and homework
-Pre-calculus shit
-Prepare for auditions (I'm casting people, not auditioning)
-Draw Lou Reed

In general, it seems like a lot of shit I have to do between now and  7 am tomorrow. Good thing I have a study hall.

I also have to work out, shower, and get all my shit together for tomorrow. And memorize a song for the musical I'm in. :D
Awesome, right?

Maybe that's why I havent been keeping up with this journal thing.

Anyway, I was just informing no one that I posted an entry.


guns explosions rapes 
door-jams fire-escapes
salt in hearts
attack mush reap
killing crying
walk-wear walking 
running to nowhere
no escapes
no they're
empty rooms
empty classes
empty windows
empty glasses
drinks of champaign
campaigns reign
am I
I am
campaigning champaign
of drinks glasses
windows empty
classes empty
rooms (all) empty
They're no
no escapes
nowhere to
running walking
walk-wear eat
crying killing reap
attack hearts in salt
landscapes fire-escapes
door-jams rapes
explosions guns

I seem to say that a lot.
That's how I feel about errrvrythang.
I'm just sick of all this shit. Everything is stressful and everytime I do something fun I feel guilty.
I should be studying
I should be saving money
I should be working
I should be spending time with the family

What about the stuff I want to do? Whatever happened to spontaneity and fun? Whatever happened to summer?

Everything is diminishing. My grades are lagging. My relationships are strained. My work is exhausting. I hate those words. I just want to be who I am and how I wish to be.

Ugh but all the things I want to do require something I do not want to have--unhappiness. In my situation, almost all work is unhappiness. No, it is not because I'm lazy or stupid. It's because the work I am doing makes me unhappy. It discourages me from wanting anything. It is deteriorating me.

Firstly, I have school. I know that I need this to get to where I'm going. But the decisions I've made within high school are so stressful. I picked hard, advanced classes. I took up extra projects and agendas for after school. I took little classes that I knew would make me happy. What makes it worse is that anything under 90%, my family and I consider failing.

Then, I have work. The only need i have for work is having money to do what I want to do. There is NO other reason for me to work. Especially at WHERE I work. I don't think i'm going to get very far in life working retail. Why can't I work somewhere that gives me experience in the area I want to make a career? Like music. Or acting.

I'm just so fucking done with EVERYTHING.
Living in St. Peters
Being broke
Being tired
Living with my mom
Running out of time
Working at Marshall's
Eating a ton of food
Listening to the radio
Wasting my time

I want so many things in life and I already feel like I'm missing out. There are so many people so much far ahead of me that are YOUNGER than me. I can't stand it. I'm a jealous, angry mess. I just need music.
I need music.

I know I sound like a typical angsty teenager but I don't care. I don't like racing the clock and wasting my time when I could be doing something that'll actually get me somewhere.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

May. 9th, 2011

I feel like everything I've ever had is coming to an end.
And it scares me to death.
I feel like everything I ever wanted is wasting away.
On the edge of my breath.

And if I die tomorrow.
I don't want to say
What took you so long?
And if I die tomorrow
I don't want to say
I wasn't even done.

You package us tight.
In little suits of media.
With soft sewn walls
and nice stale air.
And when we fall apart in here.
We'll think we're okay.
Because it's just normal.
But it;s not because
When we're eating our own hearts out
with the charging wires of our
And without this message
I'll never speak to you
in person.
Darkness falls on the
little colored boxes of

It's not okay to think that
I was made in a factory.
Everything was just the same and
even color is lost for me.
But if we pry these walls apart
And if we wipe those gleaming eyes
We'll see everything how it was meant to be
And our spirits will be at one again.

And if I die tomorrow
I don't want to say
Where have I gone.
And if I die tomorrow 
I don't want to say
I told you so
And if I die tomorrow
I don't want to say
We did this all the same
And I don't want to say
We can never grow.

Help me I'm drowning.

 My heart is like a burning sun
Red hot and gleaming
It screams pull me up.
Don't push me down.

It beats in my chest it goes
pound pound pound
in my chest in my hears
oh god it makes me drown

but if we sit here
and if we don't go
we'll never get out

and it we wait 
and we're not sorry
we'll never get out

so many rooms in this maze
your life passes before my eyes
I sleep in sorrow
I sleep in fire

and i wish i'd be spun
right round right now
if only i could see through
my mask of smile

but if we lie here
will we ever leave
we'll never get out

and if we stand
and never run away 
we'll never get out,

get out,
and ever

get out 
get out
run away

get out 
run away
pull me up
push me down
i'm out

I just can't look; it's killing me.

F-My Life. It's a shirt. I dunno, I thought it was funny, at least.

I need to go away now. I need to go away. I need to run away. And we can run away.
We can run away from here. We can go. We can leave this place. We can leave this place behind.
We can run away forever. And leave this fucking place. If there is ever a time to leave it's now.
Let's go. I need to go away. I need to go away now.

My fingers itch. And my voice is always loud. I need lights in my eyes. I need a crowd.

Fuck you. And fuck you too. I'm sick of being told "You can't; You'll never."
Don't tell me what to do.

I don't want to go to college.
I don't want to be in high school.
I don't want to waste my life on love.
I don't want to stay here.
I don't want to live in my basement.
I don't want to say goodbye to you.
I don't want to have a family yet.
I don't want to have a "career."
I don't want to keep my job.
I don't want to live in a house.
I don't want to be able to afford my dinner.
I don't want to only have a handfull of friends.
I don't want to be quiet.
I don't want to be invisible.
I don't want to be in the back of class anymore.
I don't want to sit in my room.
I don't want to wake up at eleven a.m.

I just want to:
sing dance play music talk run scream sex jump cry laugh eat drive sleep kill sneer high-five kiss live.

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Me.
I. Just. Want. Myself.
I just want music because it's all I live for.
And die for.
And fight for.
And cry for.
And try for.
And light for.
And bite for.
And sigh for.

My heart pounds too loud in my chest. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside a bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. If only I could get out, if only I could breathe. Maybe I'd be happy. I dunno. I feel like more schooling is just going to dumb me down.

Let me go.